Who's the goodbye guy??

"Goodbyes are not for me!!" what a wonderful phrase to hear on TV. What a shitty phrase to say when you have to!!

Its bye bye time and want to write about it. Wait!!!! Did I just admit that? So dumb of me!!

Throughout my life I've tried not to do what everyone wants to do(or rather pretend to!!); the consequences; well lets not talk about them. So no harm to admit that I want to do something that every one leaving the campus forever wants to do(for this time only). Apparently it my last night as on campus BITS student. No big deal. The place won't miss me(No player is bigger than the team). I did what I am best at, being nothing. I did what I am best at, meeting some really nice people. I did what I am best at, not meeting majority of the people!! :)

Feel bad that these are the last days with some really really wonderful people. God knows how am I going to manage without them!! Its getting senti and cold as the night progresses and I've just switched the heat to maximum. I don't want to be sentimental. It sucks, I don't want to be a girl and cry about it or even talk about it. Am a man and I can handle it(or at least can say I can). I just need somebody to hug. I am hugging the pillow but it won't hug back. Damn it ...

Just want to Thank the people who mattered when it mattered. Who listened when they were called upon and most importantly spoke when they were or weren't called upon (Listening is the only thing I guess I am good at and I think you guys did me huge favours by letting me use it).

Who said Yes to most of the ideas I proposed. Who cursed people I hated. Who loved people I loved. Who took my advice. Who advised others to seek my advice. Who declared me wise ass. Who were pissed off me being a wise ass. Who said I was pretending to be a wise ass. Who told me I wasn't a wise ass. Who woke me up in the morning. Who kept me up at night. Who came in dreams. Who come in dreams. Who made me hate an entire kind of people. Who reassured me to continue hating an entire kind of people. Who made me love an(make that two) entire state(s) of people. Who told me "launda and laundiya" are UP bhasha words. Who told me "gussa" is female not male. Who proved me wrong. Who thought I was right. Who confided in me. Who confided in every other person they met. Who told me about their crushes. Who asked me about my crushes. Who made fun of my crushes. Who added hypothetical crushes. Who told me "nyone wud do" for being their crush. Who told me I was a loser. Who proved to me I was a loser. Who made me quit Jhankar(actually to her, I am not thankful. But she deserves a mention. I might not hate anybody on earth more than her). Who made Jhankar bearable. Who competed with me for chapattis. Who wud never get up to fetch me a chapati. Who would drink an entire bottle of sauce. Who wud freak out in exams and break three keyboards. Who wud lie on bed with their feet up the wall. Who wud say I wud make a gud wife if I were a girl. Who wrote me my only testimonial for Orkut. Who made me delete my Orkut. Who gave me gmail invite. Who gave me wave invite. Who ragged me. Who didn't rag me. Who got ragged by me(oh yeah!!). Who said what they wanted to. Who said what I wanted to listen(Extra Thanks for this one). Who cried in front of me. Who made me cry when I was alone. Who make me cry when I am alone. Who pretended to be my friends. Who used me. Who pretended to be too naive. Who were too naive. Who love me. Who hate me(Wait NO THANKS, Rather F*** Y**). Who will love me. Who will miss me.

I can carry on like that for ages you know. The more I write the more I recollect. Of all my life the day which I can remember most clearly is my first day at this place and it seems like yesterday. Ne ways, if friends are not included then I am pretty happy to leave this place. The most inefficient years of my life are now my past.

Never wanted to write this much. Just thought will write "I don't want to write about bye byes" but as it turns out, I've failed in the one last thing I've so desperately hung upon for the last 3.5 years. I can't pretend this time I don't want what everyone wants.

Bye Bye

p.s. To those who can understand it. I said you won't have any regrets after four year when you leave this place about not doing one particular thing. I am terribly sorry if I was wrong(can't really make out whether I was wrong). I was just being supportive.

It's not time that is passing by.....

I am usually surprised when people say, ‘I have no regrets in life.’ Come on, I think, I can’t be the only one whose life seems so full of regrets. Hopefully not major ones, but minor ones - sure, doesn’t everyone have those regrets? Of not being as good as you’d like at music, sports and arts; of being unable to prioritize what really mattered when it mattered; of getting into bad relationships; of making wrong career choices etc. etc. The magic, I think, is in accepting that it is OK to have regrets; it is OK to feel lonely; it is OK to feel depressed at times- as long as you feel you are leading a happy, productive life overall. I think these experiences of pain and conflict make you a richer, deeper person; and sadness gives an interesting, intelligent dimension to your life.

I recall reading Arundhati Roy’s ‘God of Small Things’

‘If you're happy in a dream, Ammu, does that count?’ Estha asked.

‘Does what count?’

‘The happiness - does it count?’

Wow man- what sadness! Even for born cynics like me, it struck a chord. You are really starved for happiness when you have to search for it in your dreams. Or Ruskin Bond’s wonderful: ‘It’s not time that is passing by-it’s you and I.’

Someday!! MAYBE!!!

What does a jobless retard do in depression???
Write depressing thoughts I guess!!! And get more depressed......
WTF

We haven't met yet
but we'll meet one day
the mere hope makes me to live
the mere hope gives me life
i am like a seed
and you are a flower
haven't met for the centuries past
but our love makes us to believe
for each time i disintegrate for you
you die to produce me
have been givin our lives for each other
but we havent met yet
maybe because we are not destined to meet
if so i am living to change the destiny
i am living beacause you're the reason of my birth
we'll continue to live till we meet
maybe not in this world
but in some other we're destined to meet
i'll meet you there one day

“I feel good for you”

“I feel good for you”

How often do we say this and how often do we mean this?

Well!! I say it way too often but I don’t want to tell how often I feel it. I never actually gave it a thought as I was way too afraid that I might start hating myself. So whenever the question pops up in my mind I start thinking about some other things :). But today a rather strange thing happened. I didn’t say it but I think, I repeat, I think I felt it. Well however bad the consequences are, I can’t resist but ponder over what happened.

Well! The story begins about 15 years back. I was a kid and my brother was in high school and he used to have this biggest group of such gregarious friends that always made me jealous. I obviously was without ANY friends. So I tried to mix with their group and in doing so, proved to be their party spoiler!!! No teenage group wants a kid in their group!! And there was one guy in the group who always wanted me to be kept at bay from the group and that’s where my hatred begun. I truly despised that guy.

Later on, this guy goes into business with my brother but I always had my childhood prejudices and I am not quite sure what I felt about this guy. Anyways, my brother and his frequencies did not match and he left his business. And as told by my brother, he cheated big time on him. This fueled all the childhood hatred and I, well, I started hating that guy again but I was aware that his condition was somewhat miserable if I should say as he had nothing to do now (at least I thought so). But today I just went to meet this guy in his office because my mother told me to take some stuff from his place :(, I saw that his business is burgeoning like anything!!! That was when I felt this stupid thing inside me. I don’t know what caused it. Maybe the sympathy that I carried for him when he was left stranded by my brother, maybe I am a true Gandhi and wish well for all my fellow humans (don’t draw conclusions, I agree with you over this; am just trying to mention all the possibilities :P), maybe I was attracted by what he has right now and felt good because I could always turn myself to someone whom I know and might help me out!!! Options start getting more and more dirty afterwards so it’s better if I don’t mention them.

मज़ा ही कुछ और है

दाँतों से नाख़ून काटने का,

छोटों को ज़बरदस्ती डाँटने का,

पैसे वालों को गाली बकने का,

मूँगफली के ठेले से मूँगफली चखने का,

कुर्सी पर बैठ कर कान में पेन डालने का,

डीटीसी की बस की सीट में से स्पंज निकालने का

मज़ा ही कुछ और है |

एक ही खूँटी पर ढ़ेर सारे कपड़े डालने का,

नये साल पे दुकानदार से कलेंडर माँगने का,

चलती रेल में चढ़ने का,

दूसरों की चिट्ठी पढ़ने का,

माँगे हुए स्कूटर को तेज़ भगाने का,

खुद को नींद नहीं आने पर पत्नी को जगाने का,

मज़ा ही कुछ और है |

चोरी से फल को तोड़ने का,

खराब ट्यूबलाइट और मटकों को फोड़ने का,

पड़ोसन को घूर घूर के देखने का,

अपना कचरा दूसरों के सामने फेंकने का,

बाथरूम में बेसुरा गाने का,

थूक से टिकट चिपकाने का,

मज़ा ही कुछ और है |

ऑफीस में लेट आने का,

फाइल को ज़बरदस्ती दबाने का,

चाट वाले से फ़ोकट की चटनी डलवाने का,

बारात में प्रेस किए हुए कपड़ों को फिर से प्रेस कराने का,

ससुराल में साले से पान मंगाने का,

साली की पीठ पर धोल जमाने का,

मज़ा ही कुछ और है |

आरती में सबसे ज़्यादा फटा हुआ नोट चढ़ने का,

दूसरे के मोबाइल फोन से चिपकने का,

पान गुटकों को इधर उधर पिचकने का,

कमजोरों से बेमतलब लड़ने का,

पत्नी को रोज रोज परेशन करने का,

मज़ा ही कुछ और है |

More of my Photographs. From NIT Rourkela!! :)

My Photography!!

These may not be the best. I'll need a better camera for that cuz the cameraman is perfect, only defect can be in camera :)

किसलिए????

तेरी उम्मीद की हर आस मिट गई है
फिर दिल तेरा इंतज़ार करे किसलिए?

तेरी ओर जाने वाली हर राह गुम हो गई है
फिर हर राह की मजिल तेरा घर किसलिए?

जब ज़िन्दगी में छाया है घनघोर अँधेरा
फिर तेरी यादों के दिए किसलिए?

जब हर रहगुज़र खडा है नश्तर लिए हुए
हम अपना दिल दिखाएँ किसलिए?

ज़िन्दगी यूँ तो कट ही रही है मगर
फिर भी तेरे मिलने की आस है किसलिए?

Courage

Courage is what matters the most, courage may not the one that counts the most though. You'll have to make your courage count, you'll have to have courage to make that count otherwise you may be happy but those around you'll suffer terribly. Make your courage count.

I hope I had the courage to do what I want!!!! L

Kashmir……

OK… This is the closest humans can get to divinity through music.

 

Oh let the sun beat down upon my face, stars to fill my dream
I am a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been
To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen
They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed

Talk and song from tongues of lilting grace, whose sounds caress my ear
But not a word I heard could I relate, the story was quite clear
Oh, oh.

Oh, I been flying... mama, there aint no denyin
Ive been flying, aint no denyin, no denyin

All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where Ive been.

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace, like thoughts inside a dream
Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream
My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when movin through kashmir.

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years
With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear
Ohh.

When Im on, when Im on my way, yeah
When I see, when I see the way, you stay-yeah

Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, when Im down...
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, well Im down, so down
Ooh, my baby, oooh, my baby, let me take you there

Let me take you there. let me take you there

WHODUNNIT????

I don't what should I call this state. Probably I've gone completely numb to everything happening around me. Probably I've been like that for a long time now and this was just a wake up call. I'm not that sure about the past though I've had some very serious stumbles both in relationships and in career but this one seems to be larger than them. In fact the extent of cruelty is amplifying by time due to my feebleness to resist or my inability to deal with them properly but I seriously think I'm about to break now. I wanna say aloud. I can't bear it no more. I am not sure what I wanna do, I have no idea how should I deal with the wound. Its not going to heal with time cuz I have no idea how much I am hurt this time. I think it's better if I flee.

MAKE UPS

And how much I hate them in any form whatsoever. :x